Since I was young I’ve always felt as though I was called to reach people. I went through a phase in my life where I thought I may be called to become a priest. I’ve struggled through life trying to find something I could never find. Love, success, money, power? I’ve never found any of it truly, just fragments of each never amounting to anything truly wonderful. Awe inspiring, fulfilling. I’m left with a daily void to be filled and no answers.

My faith is bent. My spirit craves the fulfillment provided by faith in something seemingly so powerful and forgiving yet I feel I know too much. I read the bible differently than many as the training of my youth has been shadowed by the intellect and wisdom I’ve attained over the years. I see things more scientifically. Do I believe in a higher power or a grand Universal energy we all pull from and alter with our daily actions? Is there a grand architect watching over us all or is God symbolic of the fabric of life? I ponder such things when I think of the greed, starvation, selfishness of others and the evil actions we as people excuse on a daily basis as we grow more and more desensitized.

What am I here for? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? I’ve always swore if I found welath and success I’d spend the rest of my life helping others, yet I find myself struggling to make ends meet in my own life. I’ve considered going away to the East and learning Eastern Philosophy. Always searching for answers hidden beneath a coating of deception.

Many years ago I heard a song called Prayer Of The Children, by Kurt Bestor as part of a compilation called the Innovators. I don’t care much for the video I just linked but when you click play, just minimize the screen and listen. I was probably 21 or 22 when I heard it and I honestly just lost it emotionally. I honestly still do, having found it online after all these years the song still affects me deeply. It’s not a pop song or anything you might be used to. But to me, it’s screams out to me. I feel like it tells me something. It’s asking me things. It’s pointing me to something I can’t see.

I question the direction my life has taken and can’t help but wonder if I’m truly achieving my potential or have I been settling for mediocrity because it’s an easier path to take. Or is it?

I have a passion that stirs in me so deeply and feel like I’m simply not accomplishing anything with it. I want to touch peoples lives. On my dying die I want people to feel like they had a better life because I was a part of it, somehow.

A pair of astrologers told me I would reach the pinnacle of my success in my mid 30’s and that I would live life very comfortable with a family etc etc. Every detail of what they said to me was so specific and accurate, such as my grandmother at the time being sick with cancer and how it would clear up but come back and quickly take her. It’s exactly what happened over the course of a couple of years and I never mentioned my grandmother. There were many things they said to me that were spot on, which leaves me with the question..how predetermined are our lives and why do I feel like I’m meant to be doing bigger and more important things but I’m not yet doing them? What must transpire before I find those answers?

Let’s face facts, I’m a 32 year guy who left high school my sophomore year to start my first business. I’ve been up and down ever since. I’ve taught myself everything I know but still feel completely ignorant and empty.

I could go on writing this for an hour and not be any further along…